If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
