This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
