from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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