Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Randomize
