A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You need Xanax blowdarts
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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