You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
