go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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