you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
That accounts for only three of the penises
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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