Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
