his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
