and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
