now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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