Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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