mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
