Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
