How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
