i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
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