I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
