Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
