I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I had your ass I would rule the world
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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