I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
