i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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