rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
