I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
