do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
