FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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