yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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