one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
