Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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