OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
