Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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