1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
