My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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