bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
