Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
