Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
