True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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