So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
