I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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