Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Duck Duck Cougar?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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