i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
