having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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