Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
