you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
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i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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