That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
