if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
