my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
