I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
