I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
