I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
