I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
