Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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