Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
