Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
