I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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