you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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