I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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