I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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