Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
